Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, June 9, 2022
Note: Hello, customer service? I’d like to exchange my current planet for a new one, please. Mine’s crawling with parasites in suits and ties, and its cooling system is kaput. Yes, I’ll hold.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Juneteenth: 10
Days ’til Berry Dairy Days 2022 in Burlington, Washington: 8
Amount by which the median hourly wage for full-time U.S. workers was higher in April 2022 versus April 2021: $1.70
Support for same-sex marriage in 1996 and 2022, respectively, according to Gallup polling: 26%, 71%
Percent excise tax Rep. Don Beyer (D-VA) wants to impose on AR-15s and other assault weapon-style purchases in legislation he’s proposing: 1,000%
Worth of the recently-seized Boeing 787 Dreamliner owned by Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich: $350 million
Number of shell companies investigators had to sort through before they could prove he owned it: 5
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Politics is not a picture on a wall or a television sitcom you can decide you don’t much care for.
Is the person who prescribes your eyeglasses qualified to do so? How deep will you be buried when you die? What textbooks are your children learning from at school? What will happen if you become seriously ill? Is the meat you’re eating tainted? Will you be able to afford to go to college or to send your kids? Would you like a vacation? Expect to retire before you die? Can you find a job? Drive a car? Afford insurance? Is your credit card company or your banker or your broker ripping you off?
It’s all politics, Bubba. You don’t get to opt out for lack of interest.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Greetings…
CHEERS to making the case. After holding their cards close to the vest during their investigation, the House January 6 Select Subcommittee throws the spotlight of guilt on the Republican cockroaches of treason during tonight’s televised hearings. Among the questions that will be answered: who, what, when, where, why, and how. Adding to the intrigue is a new trove of evidence that could unleash fresh hell on the instigators:
A federal judge has decided the House select committee investigating the January 6 insurrection should get access on Wednesday to 159 emails of right-wing attorney John Eastman that largely relate to his efforts on behalf of Donald Trump to try to block the 2020 election result.
The judge—as he did previously related to another set of Eastman emails—decided one of the emails could be evidence of the planning of a crime, specifically Eastman and Trump’s efforts to thwart Congress certifying the election result on January 6, 2021. […] The judge notes Trump and Eastman’s “plan to disrupt the Joint Session was fully formed and actionable as early as December 7, 2020.”
Curtain time is 8ET/5PT on all the networks except the ones whose ranks are filled with co-conspirators. (You know who you are.) My only words of advice to Bennie, Liz and the rest of the committee: don’t fuck it up.
JEERS to the invisible man. He wanted a second chance to prove he wasn’t the total waste of human skin everyone thinks he is. Sure, he helped get over a dozen 4th-graders murdered. Sure, he’s a racist immigrant basher. Yes, yes, yes. We know that. But, doggone it, he wanted to help lift up the town of Uvalde with bold, innovative ideas as a freshman city council member. This is his moment. This is his time. If not now, when? If not him, who? And thus, out of the ashes of incompetence and cowardice rose a new titan of civic engagement, eager to redeem himself and his tarnished name. Just one little snag…
The school district police chief criticized for waiting too long before ordering law enforcement to confront and kill the gunman during a mass shooting at a Texas elementary school did not appear at a City Council meeting in Uvalde on Tuesday, despite being newly elected to the panel.
Mayor Don McLaughlin said he was unable to explain why the district police Chief Pete Arredondo wasn’t at the brief meeting.
I think can explain his absence in three words: Bwok, bwok, and bwok.
CHEERS to proud moments in American history. One day, years from now, you’ll be bouncing your grandchild on your knee. And that sweet little cherub will turn to you and say, “Why is June 9th a holiday?” And you’ll look down into those sweet innocent eyes, pinch those pink puffy cheeks, and say, “That was the day in 2006 when Tom DeLay went to work in Congress for the very last time. And then you’ll go into the kitchen for ice cream and Oreos. Because that’s the kind of awesome grandparent you are.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to that shining city on a hill surrounded by gaseous swampland. 229 years ago today, in 1793, Congress—back when it was functional—voted to make Washington, D.C. the official replacement for Philadelphia as the nation’s capital. Today the beltway politicians, lobbyists and pundits have so sullied the name of the place, and besmirched the memory of the person for whom it’s named (Ronald Reagan Washington, the Texas School Board history textbooks tell me), that we really should think about moving it again. I offer up my usual candidates: Goober Hill, LA…Devil’s Den, CA…Cuckoo, VA…Crooks, SD…Rattlesnake Bend, FL…Mayday, GA…Oil Springs, KY…Petroleum, MT…Crappo, MD…Hell, MI…Money, MS…Loco, OK…and Idiotville, OR. Completely out of the question, however: moving it to any town named Normal.
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. You want space news. I want space news. We all want space news. But where, oh where, can we get space news? Who peddles in such information? I’m drawing a blank NO WAIT WAIT WAIT I REMEMBER NOW IT’S NASA! NASA HAS SPACE NEWS!!! At least they used to, but I heard that space news is just a fad. So let me root around NASA and see if… Oh good, found some. Apparently they want to blast us into space:
Fly your name around the moon!
Artemis I will be the first uncrewed flight test of the Space Launch System rocket and the Orion spacecraft. The flight paves the way toward landing the first woman and the first person of color on the Moon!
Add your name to have it included on a flash drive that will fly aboard Artemis I.
Be a part of history here. My name calls dibs on a window seat.
Fifteen years ago in C&J: June 9, 2007
JEERS to sloppy goodbyes. President Bush bid a final farewell to outgoing British Prime Minister Tony Blair yesterday. C&J was spying on them from the ceiling and we post this exclusive transcript of the moment:
Bush: I’ll miss you, Tony the Tiger Guy.
Blair: Not as much as I’ll miss you, old sport.
Bush: Call me.
Blair: I will. Promise.
[They give each other one last pinky handshake and part company.]
Bush: What a pussy.
Blair: What a wanker.
And just one more…
CHEERS to U.S. Minty freshness. Here’s something coming out of Washington that won’t make us either dive for our fallout shelters or throw a brick at the TV: a preview of the first five “American Women” state quarters that’ll be released this year. The collection, which celebrates women from “a wide range of accomplishments and fields, including suffrage, civil rights, abolition, government, humanities, science, space, and the arts,” are already showing up in pockets across America. Here’s a peek at the history of women on coins, including a look at this year’s releases, courtesy of the U.S. Mint:
Thus far the quarters for Maya Angelou and Dr. Sally Ride have been released. The third in the series, featuring Wilma Mankiller, officially gets its release next Tuesday. C&J will keep you posted on the others ahead of their arrivals. It’ll give normal people time to learn more about these trailblazing women, and misogynists time to take their heart medication.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
Bill in Portland Maine’s Naked Butt Is All It’s Cracked Up To Be In Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool